Former Seattle book club members: if you are reading this post, I recommend this is our next topic of discussion. Current Philly book club members, I'm still trying to find you.
As you have probably figured out, I have a love/hate relationship with my job. Yesterday's conversation with my boss seemingly jolted me into a harsh reality. I said I was behind on some stuff and wasn't proud of that but that I was working extra (read: not sleeping much) to get it done. He knows my work ethic and knows how against my nature it is to be behind on work or not do a great job. So it all boiled down to his advice on how I will ever be able to advance my career without burning out before I am 30. Learn how to disappoint the right people the right way.
Insert tears welling, me holding the back.
Is this really the next step? The whole way home I felt as if I had a bit of unravelling. If I disappoint my boss and satisfy the hundreds of marketing managers I support, do I risk promotion? If I do the opposite, have I failed to keep my promises to colleagues? If I satisfy my responsibilities at work, it is clear that I disappoint my friends and family far more than I can bare to recount. If I satisfy the needs of everyone else, but forget to nourish myself, am I the one caught holding the bag?
Albeit cynical, it started to seem like the more responsibility I get as a worker the more I have to get comfy with knowing that my (lack of) action will make things harder for others but better for me and my sanity. Is that really what it takes? That's not rhetorical. I am honestly hoping that someone out there has some perspective because I sure could use it.
Yes, there are the "learn to say no more often" and "delegate to others" and the "get your priorities straight" and "you need to take care of yourself so you can take care of others" and in sure all that would help. But fundamentally, do I have to start calculating the best way to disappoint people? Calculating needs and impact and worth? There has to be another way.
Dear Un-named, because I can't find your name anywhere on the blog! I hope you do see this comment. If not, I can't do much about that. I'm writing to ask you a huge favour esp considering I'm a stranger to you. Quickly - I did try writing a blog for about a year - digdeepflyhigh.blogspot.com but stopped as I felt it wasn't going the direction I wanted it too - too depressing. I had unloaded my life story, shared a few thoughts about helping people recover from abuse, and then ... didn't know what else to say. It didn't feel very hopeful. My family and I then moved to Thailand to work with a Christian charity for a year. We came back to visit family and friends supposedly for 2 months and then had something horrendous and unexpected happen to one of our children just ONE WEEK into our visit home which changed everything. It has taken us 2 years to recover from that. During the past year I've felt God giving me the bones of a new format and name for the blog. I also purchased the url in hope and faith that this will turn into something that will help many people. Only then did I think to check blogs to see if someone else was already using the name. Oops - found your blog, and read it through avidly and wondered about your story, but also noted that you hadn't updated it in a while. This is the only way I know how to reach you and ask if you would consider, if you aren't planning to update the blog further, passing on the blog name to me? I know it's a cheeky question and obviously I'm totally relying on your good will and on the chance that you will actually see this! There is an easy way to do it without getting google involved. Please read thru my former (old and terrible) blog just to get a feel for who I am and where I'm coming from. Then if you're willing to hand on the blog name, I would be SO grateful. For now I've flagged finding-tov.blogspot.com for myself but obviously ... findingtov would be better. ONLY if you no longer have any use for it. Bless you! - Laurel Bryan - nb I'm reluctant to leave my email address up here in case I get spammed, but I will check back here frequently to see if you have replied. If you do, I will give you an email address where you can reach me. Thank you so much!
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